Got a fight coming up in January

...And I dont know what to do. Sorry, gonna be long read. Wont even probably be an interesting one, maybe one of the reasons I am writing this is because sometimes I feel like writing is almost.. Therapeutic for me.



I truly feel lost.



Training partners, coaches are good, training sessions themselves are good but I dont evolve. I have horrible cardio, I do my share of exercises but it never seems to help



I do same mistakes all the time in striking. I cant even do any combos in sparring without getting hit in the head



But I dont know. I have come to an conclusion in the last year or so.



I cant admit it to myself out loud, I am embarrassed and scared of that reality



But I know I just am not a fighter. It is something that I want to be, but just am not.



I dont have a fighter's heart, I dont have the skills, I dont have the will to win



And it's not only that. There are many problems out there.



One of the things is this. I am 1-2 in MMA. If I lose this I will be 1-3. That is just embarrassing. I am seriously considering quitting. I am also 1-3 in grappling, but thats bit different. Still not good at all.



The thing is, if I continue after this and lose once more... It would be 1-4. That is just horrific. It is just embarrassment. Especially when (of course) my only win isn't in youtube. I mean damn, someone searches my name and what does he find? Bunch of loses. Not a very entertaining fights either.



I got a little motivation boost when I broke up with my girlfriend recently, I wanted to show her and everyone that I can do something, but often even when having motivation like this, I end up losing again (oh, have I lost so many times in life that it would take 13 supercomputers to count them losses) and just plain embarrassing myself.



I love to be there in the ring against someone I dont know. I love to fight that someone. But my head cant take the crowd. The people around. And I have recently started to hate sparring too. I've even started to make excuses not to go to striking trainings lately. I never do anything good at it anyways. I try, but I end up screwing up and getting a headache for nothing. I gain nothing. Might lose few brain cells every now and then though.



I feel so damn lost and drowning in self pity after doing very bad in every damn training session. I dont improve. Others do.



Also when broke up with her I gained a lot of weight. That and before that I had the summer so damn depressed that I only went outside when I had to go out to buy some food. I didn't train really. So I gained about 7kg in total. So when I heard about the fight, I had to start dropping around +10 kilos. I still got around 6kg left - and the fight is in January 10th.



I owe my coaches a lot. They are patient, hell, this is first time event for me HERE IN MY HOMECITY. For the first time I dont have to travel some other city, going with the train or bus at 6AM or something. It's right here, I only got around 500 meters to the place where the fight is... So its very good situation for me.



But I dont know. Its bizarre and kinda of a dilemma situation. On the other hand, I love fighting and I need this. But I also know that this is just something that I am not really part of. I dont belong to this scene and that eats me up



It's 5AM here. And I took my sleeping pills a while ago so I am starting to be pretty dizzy soon. Dont know why I wrote this. I feel so desperate.



I dont know what to do